Years change how we feel about the past mistakes, wishes and dreams

When I was younger ( not too many years ago, I was about 12 or 13), everything didn't seem right... I don't truely know how to explain it to someone, but I felt as if I just didn't "fit in".

My family (and I) where stressed to the the extreme.... my aunt (who was around 30 at the time) was having health problems. She always use to look after me on Saturday mornings while my parents where at work. She was more like a big sister or a good friend then an aunt and babysitter.

Unfortunately things were not going so well... she ended up in the hospital. Which it wasn't her fault, it was because of the illness she had, the cooper (which your body should get ride of naturally) wouldn't leave her system, ended up in her brain. Which caused her to lose her sanity temporarily while driving, almost getting herself, my cousin (not her child, she never had any) and I in a seriouse accident.

Later on (a few months down the road) when my dad was in Halifax watching over her while she was in the hospital. She'd always ask where I was, my dad would answer "she's with Shelley" (my mom). And Patty (my aunt) would respond by saying "no she's not, she's in trouble, I've got to help her!" No matter how sick she was, or how unstable she was, she always cared and was looking after me.

Before and during all this I was at home, not knowing what to do I stopped eating (looking back I know how stupid that was, but at the time it seemed like a good idea at the time on how to get back at the world for what ever it was it had done wrong). I went over two weeks without anyone even noticing that I had stopped eating. Until one day... one of my friends discovered my secret, after that for the next few weeks she'd sit there and make sure I would at least eat something she didn't care what it was, just so long as I ate.

Soon after my friend got me to eat again, we were in Home Ec. and we watched a video called "The perfect body", thank god that friend was sitting beside me, or else I would have had an anxiety attack. I started crying so hard, I mean I was in pain beacuse of what I saw.... the movie is about a teenage girl, who does gymnastics and ends up becoming anorexic. I never got to see the end of the video, and I don't think I ever want to....

I began to write poetry and such as a way to escape everything that was going wrong. And to place a new way to take out all my pain, other then not eating. I didn't like others to read my work, they were mine... but one day someone took my book they were all written in... and read them aloud... it was a long time before I let anyone read my poetry.

Awhile had pasted since the poetry incident, and finally things were looking up, my aunt was in and out of the hospital, but I didn't mind, so long as she was close by and not in Halifax. I decided that I needed something other to do with the time I had on my hands, and to keep my mind off my aunt for awhile so I wouldn't be constantly worrying about her (as much). I joined the school Chirstmas musical, "Bah-Humbug".

The one thing that kept me going that year was the fact that the musical wouldn't happen with out me. I was the only one who knew all the lines, all the songs and everyones part. My one wish is that Patty could have seen me perform that night. That would have made me smile, to see her in the audience.

But that was almost two years ago, and now things aren't the same...