In 2008

Three years ago, I sat in the schools theater keeping myself busy... keeping myself away from the hospital... keeping her off my mind...
If this is your first visit to my site, or if you haven't read back very far I'll summerize for you.

In 2008 my aunt, my babysitter, my friend... was very sick. She was suffering for Wilsons disease, and very very ill. So to keep myself busy I joined the school's chirstmas musical, "bah-humbug". I always wished my aunt could have seen me preform my two roles in the play, not main roles, but still sufficient roles. Unfortunaltly she couldn't leave the hospital to come see me.

Four weeks after the preformence, I was attending a funeral.

Three years have since passed, and here I stand on the school stage once again preforming in "bah-humbug", this time though I have a much larger role. Hopefully this time my aunt can see me preform. I know one thing though, she'll always have the best seat in the house. Hopefully she"ll be watching over me while I sing my solo. I'm singing this one for you.

TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY

I know what you're thinking, I spelt the title wrong... but I did not.
I'm currently about half way through a book by the above title. The story line is as follows.

Hannah is dead, she comitted suicide two weeks prior. Hannah had thirteen reasons and thirteen people she blamed for her death. Hannah made seven tapes, each doubled sided execpt for the last. Each of the thirteen people she blamed gets their own tape, deticated to them, telling them why she blames them. Each of these thirteen people recieves all thirteen tapes in order to which part of her "snowball" effect life they entered and "ruined". Each of said thirteen people also recived a map prior to Hannah's death, indicating certain locations of which she mentions.

The rules to the tapes are as follows: "The rules are pretty simple. There are only two. Rule number one: You listen. Rule number two: You pass it on. Hopefully, neither one will be easy for you. When you're all done listening to all thirteen sides-beacause there are thirteen sides to every story-rewind the tapes, put them back in the box, and pass them on to whoever follows your little tale. "

The first of these thirteen, caused a romour that snowballed into something much much bigger. Beyond anyones control. The story is written from the point of view of one of the last of the thirteen to hear the tapes. Mr. Clay Jensen, I have yet to find out his role in the story as I am only on the sixth tape of Hannah's. But so far every point Hannah has made in her "last words" is so very true. Ever been invoulved in a rumour that got so big it was impossible to stop? Well thats Hannah's problem... or at least one of Hannah's problems.

Until next time... when I give you the book update. Never forget: "You can't stop the future, you can't rewind the past, the only way to learn the secret... is to press play."

Quotes taken from: TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY by: Jay Asher

Cashew Cutie

Earlier this year, we saved a little (baby) rat from being eatten by snakes. Little CC (as we started to call her for short) became part of our family, even my dad was starting to get use to her. Friday night, my mom and I gave her a bath, cleaned her cage and left her to go to a basketball game. Today while having supper, my mother called my male rat's name Ollie, and he popped his head up, but when we called her name she didn't move. So my dad whent to check on her, and tapped the side of her cage, she didn't move. Mom and I jumped up and whent to check on her... we found her dead, and even though she was only a rat, she felt like part of the family. RIP little one I'm gonna miss you.

Black Winged Angel (Poem)

Black winged angel,
That's what she is,
Everyone's saving grace,
But doesn't know who she really is.
Puts on a face,
Pretends to be someone she's not,
Just to feel like she fits in.
Not what others see,
But who she really wants to be.
Thats the angel I'm looking for.
Hides the sad,
By putting on a mask.
Wish someone would save the black winged angel.
Cus she's falling fast.
No one left to love her,
And when it all ends,
Will we see the black wings?
Flying high,
Or falling to the ground?
She's falling fast,
Needs someone to see behind the mask.
And with this I do pray,
That someone saves her...
Someday.

Leaving is the hardest thing to do...

Leaving everything behind me,
Forgetting everything I thought I knew.
And forgetting everything you ever told me.
Because I truely thought I knew you,
And now I see,
That I think I was wrong,
Maybe trusting you wasn't so smart.
Maybe life wants me to walk away,
And maybe life is trying to tell me,
That sometimes it's better to have loved and left,
Then to hate and stay.
Can't heal things,
If things aren't spoken about.
Maybe it's time...
That I walked away.
Or maybe it's time for you to wake up,
And see that I was still standing here.
And maybe it's time...

Burnt Bridges

I've burnt too many bridges too many times.
And hopefully I can build this one once again.
But I know that I've caused some pain.
And I truely do not want to do that agian.
And somehow in our minds,
It was easier to walk away.
Then to try repair these left overs.
But to me,
It felt the right thing to do,
To try to rebuild.
But sometimes,
Both sides of the bridge don't agree.
And that's what I think happend.
Have to put your pride aside,
Or else you're not going to get anywhere in life.
Sometimes,
Though you just have to let the ashes settle,
Before the reconstruction can begin.
And maybe that was just the case this time.
Sometimes we win,
And others we lose.
But in the end everything works out for the best.
We may not like the outcome at the time,
But in the end,
It becomes the best outcome.

Don't give up now

All the things we've been through,
And we've made it through.
Why give up now?
When we know things can't get any worst,
They've got to get better, somehow.
And I know that you don't believe me when I say,
That we'll look back and laugh at this someday.
So what ever you do,
Don't give into the pain.
Things will all be better,
Someday.
I'm not saying today,
Or even tomorrow.
Just someday,
All this pain,
Will just go away.

Years change how we feel about the past mistakes, wishes and dreams

When I was younger ( not too many years ago, I was about 12 or 13), everything didn't seem right... I don't truely know how to explain it to someone, but I felt as if I just didn't "fit in".

My family (and I) where stressed to the the extreme.... my aunt (who was around 30 at the time) was having health problems. She always use to look after me on Saturday mornings while my parents where at work. She was more like a big sister or a good friend then an aunt and babysitter.

Unfortunately things were not going so well... she ended up in the hospital. Which it wasn't her fault, it was because of the illness she had, the cooper (which your body should get ride of naturally) wouldn't leave her system, ended up in her brain. Which caused her to lose her sanity temporarily while driving, almost getting herself, my cousin (not her child, she never had any) and I in a seriouse accident.

Later on (a few months down the road) when my dad was in Halifax watching over her while she was in the hospital. She'd always ask where I was, my dad would answer "she's with Shelley" (my mom). And Patty (my aunt) would respond by saying "no she's not, she's in trouble, I've got to help her!" No matter how sick she was, or how unstable she was, she always cared and was looking after me.

Before and during all this I was at home, not knowing what to do I stopped eating (looking back I know how stupid that was, but at the time it seemed like a good idea at the time on how to get back at the world for what ever it was it had done wrong). I went over two weeks without anyone even noticing that I had stopped eating. Until one day... one of my friends discovered my secret, after that for the next few weeks she'd sit there and make sure I would at least eat something she didn't care what it was, just so long as I ate.

Soon after my friend got me to eat again, we were in Home Ec. and we watched a video called "The perfect body", thank god that friend was sitting beside me, or else I would have had an anxiety attack. I started crying so hard, I mean I was in pain beacuse of what I saw.... the movie is about a teenage girl, who does gymnastics and ends up becoming anorexic. I never got to see the end of the video, and I don't think I ever want to....

I began to write poetry and such as a way to escape everything that was going wrong. And to place a new way to take out all my pain, other then not eating. I didn't like others to read my work, they were mine... but one day someone took my book they were all written in... and read them aloud... it was a long time before I let anyone read my poetry.

Awhile had pasted since the poetry incident, and finally things were looking up, my aunt was in and out of the hospital, but I didn't mind, so long as she was close by and not in Halifax. I decided that I needed something other to do with the time I had on my hands, and to keep my mind off my aunt for awhile so I wouldn't be constantly worrying about her (as much). I joined the school Chirstmas musical, "Bah-Humbug".

The one thing that kept me going that year was the fact that the musical wouldn't happen with out me. I was the only one who knew all the lines, all the songs and everyones part. My one wish is that Patty could have seen me perform that night. That would have made me smile, to see her in the audience.

But that was almost two years ago, and now things aren't the same...

Not the one for you

He didn't mean to hurt you.
But darling he isn't the one for you,
and no matter what you do,
know that he's crying too.
Because you where the best he had.
And now he'll realise it's too sad.
That he left you the way he did,
and for everything he said,
know that he'll never be the same.
And one day he'll wake up in pain,
for he'll remember everything the two of you,
use to mean to both of you.
And that day he wakes up to her.
He can only think of you,
he'll lose his speech, slur
and call her you.
And then she'll know it's all over for her too.

Dead At Dawn

One call, and they're gone

Couldn't take the fall

So now they've lost it all

The lives they sought

And never did the thought

That all they've got

Could be forgot

All with a simple thought

And when we wake

To find their place

Empty, as the soul

That was left with a hole

And with the words that will forever change

We stay there and rearrange

Our lives forever changed

Dead at dawn

And now it's all gone

I send to you

With all my heart I send to you,
the memories of me and you.
Wish I could still look at you,
and call you a friend.
But as they say all good things must come to an end.
Maybe when these wounds have healed,
we can look upon each others face,
and say what a stupid mistake.
Use to be so close,
now it's just a distant ghost.
For all the things I said,
never did I think,
it would end the way it did.
No words of condolenses can say how I feel,
and this may never heal.
But I just wanted to say,
with all these words,
left unsaid.
I'll still be here,
to call upon,
no matter when.
One month from now,
or even a year,
I'll be here.

Untitled

When you know it's now or never

And you still chose to walk

Just so your heart can stay

When my mind thinks, my heart breaks.

When your mouth speaks, my heart takes.
Walking away and looking back
until you call my name and ask me to stay.
When this all ends,
You will see.
That I believe that through it all,
We'll still stand tall.
Even with broken hearts, we'll have open arms.
To let oursleves be,
Once again.
When you're lost I hope you find yourself.

And when you're found,

Don't forget me.
I'll ask you please,
Don't walk away from what you loved.
When we all think,
We're a step above,
Being loved.

Goodbye My Friend For Now

If you no longer care then neither do I.
Goodbye my friend,
one day I hope you wake up
and realise that you should never
push away those who care for you.
Know that you can always get a hold of me,
but i'm tired of chasing around your friendship.
Like it's some sort of game.
If you ever need a shoulder to cry on,
someone to lean on,
or just someone to talk too.
Know that i'm still here,
and that I still care.
I've just pulled out my heart for awhile,
So things won't hurt anymore