Rules To Life

1. Don't take things too personally.
2. Leave hurt at the door.
3. Never forget you need friends to make it through this life.
4. You don't always need to "fix" things, somethings take time to "heal".
5. You can't sit around forever waiting on everyone else, but don't give up to quickly on others.
6. Don't give up on people, no matter how badly you want to.
7. Crying isn't a sign of weakness.
8. You only have one life (on Earth), enjoy it.
9. Don't spend all your time worrying or stressing about the "little things".
10. Life isn't a piece of cake.
11. "Curve balls" and "fastballs" come when you least expect them, or when they are least wanted, try to get use to them the best you can.
12. Don't listen to what others think of you.
13. To mean the world to one person for who you truely are, is worth more then meaning something to 100 people for who you pretend to be.

Odd times... and good/bad memories

Well,
sitting there the other night,
brought back memories of the time,
when we weren't talking,
for god only knowns what reason.
And seeing that smile I use to know all too well,
made me want to cry,
but yet I couldn't help but smile,
because it's been awhile since I've seen you smile that way.
Hurts to know,
but hurts less now.
Nice to talk,
first time in such awhile.
Memories I love,
but yet hate,
all at the same time.
Would be nice to talk the way we use too,
about everything and anything that was on our minds,
and not have to worry about hurting each other with the words we say.
But I know that will take some more time,
can't expect things to heal overnight.
But sometimes things take too long,
and lately I don't really know who you are anymore.
We've changed so much in the past year and a half,
but hopefully,
you can learn to trust me again,
and I can learn to let you back in.
And some traditions I won't break,
like just randomly showing up with food,
having you down for peanut butter pie on my birthday,
showing up to watch you play,
and hopefully someone can teach me how to skate...
If I brought back any bad memories I'm sorry,
I never meant to hurt you,
and I know you never truely never meant to hurt me either.
But in the end it was nice to have seen you the other night,
the you who I knew.

Leaving is the hardest thing to do...

Leaving everything behind me,
Forgetting everything I thought I knew.
And forgetting everything you ever told me.
Because I truely thought I knew you,
And now I see,
That I think I was wrong,
Maybe trusting you wasn't so smart.
Maybe life wants me to walk away,
And maybe life is trying to tell me,
That sometimes it's better to have loved and left,
Then to hate and stay.
Can't heal things,
If things aren't spoken about.
Maybe it's time...
That I walked away.
Or maybe it's time for you to wake up,
And see that I was still standing here.
And maybe it's time...

Ok Why Do I Ever Open My Mouth

Ok I think I messed up again,
Ok this isn't good.
I'm so sorry I opened my big mouth,
And told you how I felt about her.
Seriously why did you even let me speak?
I'm sorry bud.
Urg why do I always have to say what I think?
I'm sorry,
Please don't let anything I had to say,
Effect your opinion of her.

Burnt Bridges

I've burnt too many bridges too many times.
And hopefully I can build this one once again.
But I know that I've caused some pain.
And I truely do not want to do that agian.
And somehow in our minds,
It was easier to walk away.
Then to try repair these left overs.
But to me,
It felt the right thing to do,
To try to rebuild.
But sometimes,
Both sides of the bridge don't agree.
And that's what I think happend.
Have to put your pride aside,
Or else you're not going to get anywhere in life.
Sometimes,
Though you just have to let the ashes settle,
Before the reconstruction can begin.
And maybe that was just the case this time.
Sometimes we win,
And others we lose.
But in the end everything works out for the best.
We may not like the outcome at the time,
But in the end,
It becomes the best outcome.

Don't give up now

All the things we've been through,
And we've made it through.
Why give up now?
When we know things can't get any worst,
They've got to get better, somehow.
And I know that you don't believe me when I say,
That we'll look back and laugh at this someday.
So what ever you do,
Don't give into the pain.
Things will all be better,
Someday.
I'm not saying today,
Or even tomorrow.
Just someday,
All this pain,
Will just go away.

Years change how we feel about the past mistakes, wishes and dreams

When I was younger ( not too many years ago, I was about 12 or 13), everything didn't seem right... I don't truely know how to explain it to someone, but I felt as if I just didn't "fit in".

My family (and I) where stressed to the the extreme.... my aunt (who was around 30 at the time) was having health problems. She always use to look after me on Saturday mornings while my parents where at work. She was more like a big sister or a good friend then an aunt and babysitter.

Unfortunately things were not going so well... she ended up in the hospital. Which it wasn't her fault, it was because of the illness she had, the cooper (which your body should get ride of naturally) wouldn't leave her system, ended up in her brain. Which caused her to lose her sanity temporarily while driving, almost getting herself, my cousin (not her child, she never had any) and I in a seriouse accident.

Later on (a few months down the road) when my dad was in Halifax watching over her while she was in the hospital. She'd always ask where I was, my dad would answer "she's with Shelley" (my mom). And Patty (my aunt) would respond by saying "no she's not, she's in trouble, I've got to help her!" No matter how sick she was, or how unstable she was, she always cared and was looking after me.

Before and during all this I was at home, not knowing what to do I stopped eating (looking back I know how stupid that was, but at the time it seemed like a good idea at the time on how to get back at the world for what ever it was it had done wrong). I went over two weeks without anyone even noticing that I had stopped eating. Until one day... one of my friends discovered my secret, after that for the next few weeks she'd sit there and make sure I would at least eat something she didn't care what it was, just so long as I ate.

Soon after my friend got me to eat again, we were in Home Ec. and we watched a video called "The perfect body", thank god that friend was sitting beside me, or else I would have had an anxiety attack. I started crying so hard, I mean I was in pain beacuse of what I saw.... the movie is about a teenage girl, who does gymnastics and ends up becoming anorexic. I never got to see the end of the video, and I don't think I ever want to....

I began to write poetry and such as a way to escape everything that was going wrong. And to place a new way to take out all my pain, other then not eating. I didn't like others to read my work, they were mine... but one day someone took my book they were all written in... and read them aloud... it was a long time before I let anyone read my poetry.

Awhile had pasted since the poetry incident, and finally things were looking up, my aunt was in and out of the hospital, but I didn't mind, so long as she was close by and not in Halifax. I decided that I needed something other to do with the time I had on my hands, and to keep my mind off my aunt for awhile so I wouldn't be constantly worrying about her (as much). I joined the school Chirstmas musical, "Bah-Humbug".

The one thing that kept me going that year was the fact that the musical wouldn't happen with out me. I was the only one who knew all the lines, all the songs and everyones part. My one wish is that Patty could have seen me perform that night. That would have made me smile, to see her in the audience.

But that was almost two years ago, and now things aren't the same...

Smile

For the first time in so long,
I saw my own smile.
Felt like I belong,
heard my own laugh,
and couldn't help but think.
Why do I feel this way?
All I can say,
is that I want this smile to stay.
And to never go away,
not ever again,
This is where I fit in.

It's not the fear...

They say:

When you fall off a horse to right back up into the sadle.

Well it's not the fear of falling that scares me,

I know I'm going to fall, again someday.

It's not the guts it takes to get back up on a horse either.

It's the fear of being thrown off a horse from the same stable,

as the last one that threw me,

that scares me.

So here is to getting right back up,

after these flesh wounds have healed,

from the last fall to the ground.

Time heals all wounds,

never forget that.

I send to you

With all my heart I send to you,
the memories of me and you.
Wish I could still look at you,
and call you a friend.
But as they say all good things must come to an end.
Maybe when these wounds have healed,
we can look upon each others face,
and say what a stupid mistake.
Use to be so close,
now it's just a distant ghost.
For all the things I said,
never did I think,
it would end the way it did.
No words of condolenses can say how I feel,
and this may never heal.
But I just wanted to say,
with all these words,
left unsaid.
I'll still be here,
to call upon,
no matter when.
One month from now,
or even a year,
I'll be here.

Never let your heart get in the way

Goodbye
I've decided to end this blog...
At least for now.
I'm walking away
Letting it all go
And I'd rather keep my thoughts to myself
Sorry to those who have followed this
With all my love Black Rose

Mask (who we pretend to be)

If you could have seen through the mask,
you would have seen who I am.
Under this smile,
is something no one sees.
It's the other side of me.

Can you be the one?
Can you take away the mask,
and hide it in the past?
And what will become,
of me when this mask goes away?
Will I still be the one in pain?
Because to you I fear,
this is only a game.

My heart is the prize,
and no one can see.
That I need someone to see,
through what I pretend to be.
To who I really am,
Can it be?
That you saw through both sides of me?

Other side of me,
can it be?
Could you really see,
through who I pretended to be?

Who you pretended to be,
isn't who you are today.
It seems we played each other.
We thought we'd never see.
The other side,
of who each other thought we were.
To who we really are.

Take off the masks,
hide them in the past.
Know that it's who we are that counts.
Not who we let on to be.
Now can you see?

Untitled

When you know it's now or never

And you still chose to walk

Just so your heart can stay

When my mind thinks, my heart breaks.

When your mouth speaks, my heart takes.
Walking away and looking back
until you call my name and ask me to stay.
When this all ends,
You will see.
That I believe that through it all,
We'll still stand tall.
Even with broken hearts, we'll have open arms.
To let oursleves be,
Once again.
When you're lost I hope you find yourself.

And when you're found,

Don't forget me.
I'll ask you please,
Don't walk away from what you loved.
When we all think,
We're a step above,
Being loved.

Goodbye My Friend For Now

If you no longer care then neither do I.
Goodbye my friend,
one day I hope you wake up
and realise that you should never
push away those who care for you.
Know that you can always get a hold of me,
but i'm tired of chasing around your friendship.
Like it's some sort of game.
If you ever need a shoulder to cry on,
someone to lean on,
or just someone to talk too.
Know that i'm still here,
and that I still care.
I've just pulled out my heart for awhile,
So things won't hurt anymore

Music

Music is life to some,
To most it's less then that
For those who don't understand
Then maybe you should try at least
Some people do drugs,
Others use knifes,
For me it's music that keeps me feeling
Like I am,
Alive

Friends

True friends never leave your side,
they are always on your mind.
True friends know you,
inside and out
and even upside down.
Even when you yell or cry,
you know you will always have them by your side.
No matter what or who gets in your way,
you'll always have a shoulder to cry on.
That's a true friend.
Doesn't matter how mad you get at each other,
you'll always work it out.

Rear View

If we stopped looking in the rear view,
And started looking through the front window.
Maybe then we'd see what lies ahead,
And not the past, gone and dead.
Look ahead and not behind.
You may just learn somethings in time.
With all this behind us,
Who knows what could lie ahead for us.

Paper cut

The story you are about to read is true, the names have been changed to protect the persons involved.


One day after school, I was staying behind to help out with our school's Christmas musical. Well all was going fine until things started going wrong. I thought I heard my name being yelled, I was in the theatre and the yelling seemed to be coming from the direction of the ladies washroom. So I look up the aisle of the theatre to see Bethany yelling my name and saying. " You have to come to the girls washroom NOW Katy needs you." Well I took those stairs two at a time that day. We had gotten outside the theatre doors and almost into the washroom when Bethany started to explain what had happened and why she came to get me.


Well it turned out Katy was cutting her wrist with a pencil sharpeners’ blade in the back of the theatre, as it turned out she cut a little too deep. So Katy had told Bethany there was a problem and got up walked out of the theatre and headed towards the bathroom. Well on the way there Katy ran into an old friend who was at our school for a vollyball game, gave her a hug then basicly told her she had to go and walked into the bathroom. Bethany had told Katy to put water on it to stop/slow down the bleeding. Well Katy was like no that will sting; I can only imagin the look on Bethany's face when Katy said that. But she put it underwater anyway and placed toilet paper over it as well. By this time the bleeding was still quite strong and Katy's first reaction was what do I do?! According to Katy, Bethany was scared just about out of her mind and had no clue what to do. Then an idea came to Katy "OMG OMG Call Black Rose, Get Black Rose, she'll know what do to".


That's where I came in, to see one of my friends with blood dripping from her wrist with it under a running tap and another one of my friends as white as a ghost. Needless to say I was a bit confused and trying to figure out what had happened, then I yelled at Katy for being so stupid. We came up with a brilliant plan though, find some band aids. I usually carried around band aids in my book bag, so I went back into the theatre to get my book bag and look for some band aids. Well wouldn't you know it the one day I didn't have any with me was the one day I could have used some, but I didn't walk back into the bathroom empty handed I came back with a pad. The looks on thier faces was like "and what are we going to do with that?!" All I had to say was that it was absorbent. We all laughed, which was well needed considering one of us was still bleeding and about to freak out. Then it happened Katy flipped, she was like "I'm going to die OMG I'm going to die. What am I going to do I'm going to die?!"


Well then one of us remember that the school's office was still open and we sent Bethany to get some bandaids. Meanwhile I stayed and made sure Katy was clam so her heart rate wouldn't speed up the bleeding. Bethany came back with two band aids. While we where putting the bandaids on Katy's wrist the vice-princpal walked by and gave us a funny look, then she asked the most simple question "Is everything alright in there girls?" Well what would you say to that?!? Katy and Bethany answered "Yeah it's just a little paper cut" Well the VP gave us an odd look and looked me straight in the eyes. All I said was "Yeah all this mess over a tiny little paper cut." Then we started to laugh at ourselves and the VP walked by us and didn't give us a second glance. We walked back into the theatre without any one else knowing of our little accident.


To this very day "paper cut" and "OMG CALL BLACK ROSE, She'll know what to do" are still jokes among the three of us who where there that day. A scary day at the time, but looking back at it years later it all seems so funny and so stupid. Katy if you are reading this NEVER EVER do that again, you scared the crap out of me that day. To anyone else who has ever cut themselves (not by accident), please (for my sake) don't do it again. It scares everyone involved and you may not have a person who knows what to do to get it to stop around.

What If?

We as human always seem to be playing a "what if?" game
you can't turn back time,
you can't push pause,
there are no "redos"
Well what if I hadn't done that?
Or what if I hadn't of said that?
Well we will never know
Life is make you make of it
No matter how bad you want to take back something
You really can't back track time
You take the situation and go from there
And though you may say "What if??"
Maybe it was not meant to be
Everything happens for a reason, we may not like the outcome
But it's what we've got
Take it or leave it
And yes we all wish we could 'rewind'
We all wish we would have said or done something diffrently then what we did
But life is unfair,
Unpridicable
And untame
But hey that's life
Answer these if you'd like
What if: I hadn't said that?
What if: we all were the same?
What if: there was no tomorrow?
What if: we never told the ones we loved we loved them?
What if: I was 10 again?
The list is endless
So stop playing "what if?" and live for today
You can only hurt for so long...