This is a dream one of my friends had one night:
I can't remember if she was about to end her life or what had happend,
But she had this dream,
Everything was going wrong,
Then I came "flying" in,
With these large black and red wings.
That night I saved her life,
To her it was a reality check,
To me it was a wake up call,
Maybe I'm meant to help others?
And Maybe I'm not....
All I know is that I seem to read whats wrong and can fix things.
According to one of my friends they can see me as a "shrink",
Or something along that line of work,
Because no matter what the problem or who's invouvled,
Somehow it's always me they turn too.
I've had many friends either cut themselves, jump off brigdes or even try to OD.
I've told everyone of them the same thing,
No matter what time it is, where you are or what's going on,
You can always call me up.
I've had one of my friends call me up in the middle of the night,
Telling me that he'd miss me,
And that I'd be the only one who cared if he died,
And that he was going to OD.
I basicly had to talk him out of it, and told him if he didnt come to school the next day,
And if he wasn't already dead, that I would "kill" him for scaring me so badly.
Thank God he never whent through with it.
I've had another one of my friends jump off a bridge,
And I didn't find out until like 4 days later , when he called me from the hospital saying he was fine.
I told him the next time he trys that,
To call me up and I'd sit down with him about talk it out,
I wouldn't even care if we were sitting on the legde of a building while we were talking,
Just so long as I'd know he was safe.
I had one of my friends,
Just last night tell me she wanted to end it all,
And that dieing would be a better solution to her problems then to go on living.
The same friend who dreamt me as her saving grace.
It's scary to watch this happen...
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Don't give up now
All the things we've been through,
And we've made it through.
Why give up now?
When we know things can't get any worst,
They've got to get better, somehow.
And I know that you don't believe me when I say,
That we'll look back and laugh at this someday.
So what ever you do,
Don't give into the pain.
Things will all be better,
Someday.
I'm not saying today,
Or even tomorrow.
Just someday,
All this pain,
Will just go away.
And we've made it through.
Why give up now?
When we know things can't get any worst,
They've got to get better, somehow.
And I know that you don't believe me when I say,
That we'll look back and laugh at this someday.
So what ever you do,
Don't give into the pain.
Things will all be better,
Someday.
I'm not saying today,
Or even tomorrow.
Just someday,
All this pain,
Will just go away.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Halloween
Halloween is around the conner,
and there are to be scary nights.
Get to be someone we're not,
to see the world for a night,
as something we've never been.
A fallen Angel,
a dead bride,
as one of cupids arrows,
or maybe even Zoro.
If you see a girl,
with a black rose in her hair,
it's me.
So there is no need to fear.
and there are to be scary nights.
Get to be someone we're not,
to see the world for a night,
as something we've never been.
A fallen Angel,
a dead bride,
as one of cupids arrows,
or maybe even Zoro.
If you see a girl,
with a black rose in her hair,
it's me.
So there is no need to fear.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Years change how we feel about the past mistakes, wishes and dreams
When I was younger ( not too many years ago, I was about 12 or 13), everything didn't seem right... I don't truely know how to explain it to someone, but I felt as if I just didn't "fit in".
My family (and I) where stressed to the the extreme.... my aunt (who was around 30 at the time) was having health problems. She always use to look after me on Saturday mornings while my parents where at work. She was more like a big sister or a good friend then an aunt and babysitter.
Unfortunately things were not going so well... she ended up in the hospital. Which it wasn't her fault, it was because of the illness she had, the cooper (which your body should get ride of naturally) wouldn't leave her system, ended up in her brain. Which caused her to lose her sanity temporarily while driving, almost getting herself, my cousin (not her child, she never had any) and I in a seriouse accident.
Later on (a few months down the road) when my dad was in Halifax watching over her while she was in the hospital. She'd always ask where I was, my dad would answer "she's with Shelley" (my mom). And Patty (my aunt) would respond by saying "no she's not, she's in trouble, I've got to help her!" No matter how sick she was, or how unstable she was, she always cared and was looking after me.
Before and during all this I was at home, not knowing what to do I stopped eating (looking back I know how stupid that was, but at the time it seemed like a good idea at the time on how to get back at the world for what ever it was it had done wrong). I went over two weeks without anyone even noticing that I had stopped eating. Until one day... one of my friends discovered my secret, after that for the next few weeks she'd sit there and make sure I would at least eat something she didn't care what it was, just so long as I ate.
Soon after my friend got me to eat again, we were in Home Ec. and we watched a video called "The perfect body", thank god that friend was sitting beside me, or else I would have had an anxiety attack. I started crying so hard, I mean I was in pain beacuse of what I saw.... the movie is about a teenage girl, who does gymnastics and ends up becoming anorexic. I never got to see the end of the video, and I don't think I ever want to....
I began to write poetry and such as a way to escape everything that was going wrong. And to place a new way to take out all my pain, other then not eating. I didn't like others to read my work, they were mine... but one day someone took my book they were all written in... and read them aloud... it was a long time before I let anyone read my poetry.
Awhile had pasted since the poetry incident, and finally things were looking up, my aunt was in and out of the hospital, but I didn't mind, so long as she was close by and not in Halifax. I decided that I needed something other to do with the time I had on my hands, and to keep my mind off my aunt for awhile so I wouldn't be constantly worrying about her (as much). I joined the school Chirstmas musical, "Bah-Humbug".
The one thing that kept me going that year was the fact that the musical wouldn't happen with out me. I was the only one who knew all the lines, all the songs and everyones part. My one wish is that Patty could have seen me perform that night. That would have made me smile, to see her in the audience.
But that was almost two years ago, and now things aren't the same...
My family (and I) where stressed to the the extreme.... my aunt (who was around 30 at the time) was having health problems. She always use to look after me on Saturday mornings while my parents where at work. She was more like a big sister or a good friend then an aunt and babysitter.
Unfortunately things were not going so well... she ended up in the hospital. Which it wasn't her fault, it was because of the illness she had, the cooper (which your body should get ride of naturally) wouldn't leave her system, ended up in her brain. Which caused her to lose her sanity temporarily while driving, almost getting herself, my cousin (not her child, she never had any) and I in a seriouse accident.
Later on (a few months down the road) when my dad was in Halifax watching over her while she was in the hospital. She'd always ask where I was, my dad would answer "she's with Shelley" (my mom). And Patty (my aunt) would respond by saying "no she's not, she's in trouble, I've got to help her!" No matter how sick she was, or how unstable she was, she always cared and was looking after me.
Before and during all this I was at home, not knowing what to do I stopped eating (looking back I know how stupid that was, but at the time it seemed like a good idea at the time on how to get back at the world for what ever it was it had done wrong). I went over two weeks without anyone even noticing that I had stopped eating. Until one day... one of my friends discovered my secret, after that for the next few weeks she'd sit there and make sure I would at least eat something she didn't care what it was, just so long as I ate.
Soon after my friend got me to eat again, we were in Home Ec. and we watched a video called "The perfect body", thank god that friend was sitting beside me, or else I would have had an anxiety attack. I started crying so hard, I mean I was in pain beacuse of what I saw.... the movie is about a teenage girl, who does gymnastics and ends up becoming anorexic. I never got to see the end of the video, and I don't think I ever want to....
I began to write poetry and such as a way to escape everything that was going wrong. And to place a new way to take out all my pain, other then not eating. I didn't like others to read my work, they were mine... but one day someone took my book they were all written in... and read them aloud... it was a long time before I let anyone read my poetry.
Awhile had pasted since the poetry incident, and finally things were looking up, my aunt was in and out of the hospital, but I didn't mind, so long as she was close by and not in Halifax. I decided that I needed something other to do with the time I had on my hands, and to keep my mind off my aunt for awhile so I wouldn't be constantly worrying about her (as much). I joined the school Chirstmas musical, "Bah-Humbug".
The one thing that kept me going that year was the fact that the musical wouldn't happen with out me. I was the only one who knew all the lines, all the songs and everyones part. My one wish is that Patty could have seen me perform that night. That would have made me smile, to see her in the audience.
But that was almost two years ago, and now things aren't the same...
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Smile
For the first time in so long,
I saw my own smile.
Felt like I belong,
heard my own laugh,
and couldn't help but think.
Why do I feel this way?
All I can say,
is that I want this smile to stay.
And to never go away,
not ever again,
This is where I fit in.
I saw my own smile.
Felt like I belong,
heard my own laugh,
and couldn't help but think.
Why do I feel this way?
All I can say,
is that I want this smile to stay.
And to never go away,
not ever again,
This is where I fit in.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
It's not the fear...
They say:
When you fall off a horse to right back up into the sadle.
Well it's not the fear of falling that scares me,
I know I'm going to fall, again someday.
It's not the guts it takes to get back up on a horse either.
It's the fear of being thrown off a horse from the same stable,
as the last one that threw me,
that scares me.
So here is to getting right back up,
after these flesh wounds have healed,
from the last fall to the ground.
Time heals all wounds,
never forget that.
When you fall off a horse to right back up into the sadle.
Well it's not the fear of falling that scares me,
I know I'm going to fall, again someday.
It's not the guts it takes to get back up on a horse either.
It's the fear of being thrown off a horse from the same stable,
as the last one that threw me,
that scares me.
So here is to getting right back up,
after these flesh wounds have healed,
from the last fall to the ground.
Time heals all wounds,
never forget that.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Not the one for you
He didn't mean to hurt you.
But darling he isn't the one for you,
and no matter what you do,
know that he's crying too.
Because you where the best he had.
And now he'll realise it's too sad.
That he left you the way he did,
and for everything he said,
know that he'll never be the same.
And one day he'll wake up in pain,
for he'll remember everything the two of you,
use to mean to both of you.
And that day he wakes up to her.
He can only think of you,
he'll lose his speech, slur
and call her you.
And then she'll know it's all over for her too.
But darling he isn't the one for you,
and no matter what you do,
know that he's crying too.
Because you where the best he had.
And now he'll realise it's too sad.
That he left you the way he did,
and for everything he said,
know that he'll never be the same.
And one day he'll wake up in pain,
for he'll remember everything the two of you,
use to mean to both of you.
And that day he wakes up to her.
He can only think of you,
he'll lose his speech, slur
and call her you.
And then she'll know it's all over for her too.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Dead At Dawn
One call, and they're gone
Couldn't take the fall
So now they've lost it all
The lives they sought
And never did the thought
That all they've got
Could be forgot
All with a simple thought
And when we wake
To find their place
Empty, as the soul
That was left with a hole
And with the words that will forever change
We stay there and rearrange
Our lives forever changed
Dead at dawn
And now it's all gone
Saturday, October 10, 2009
I send to you
With all my heart I send to you,
the memories of me and you.
Wish I could still look at you,
and call you a friend.
But as they say all good things must come to an end.
Maybe when these wounds have healed,
we can look upon each others face,
and say what a stupid mistake.
Use to be so close,
now it's just a distant ghost.
For all the things I said,
never did I think,
it would end the way it did.
No words of condolenses can say how I feel,
and this may never heal.
But I just wanted to say,
with all these words,
left unsaid.
I'll still be here,
to call upon,
no matter when.
One month from now,
or even a year,
I'll be here.
the memories of me and you.
Wish I could still look at you,
and call you a friend.
But as they say all good things must come to an end.
Maybe when these wounds have healed,
we can look upon each others face,
and say what a stupid mistake.
Use to be so close,
now it's just a distant ghost.
For all the things I said,
never did I think,
it would end the way it did.
No words of condolenses can say how I feel,
and this may never heal.
But I just wanted to say,
with all these words,
left unsaid.
I'll still be here,
to call upon,
no matter when.
One month from now,
or even a year,
I'll be here.
Monday, October 5, 2009
I am not
If the poem I had written before this one confused you,
I am sorry.
It was a point to say that I use to feel,
and that no one has the right to make me feel that bad,
about myself,
but somehow people have.
I am not what people expect,
I am not what the media sees.
I am who I am
No one changes that,
not people I trust,
not people I do not know.
And not even the few I let know what I think.
I am not anything listed in the poem below.
I am sorry.
It was a point to say that I use to feel,
and that no one has the right to make me feel that bad,
about myself,
but somehow people have.
I am not what people expect,
I am not what the media sees.
I am who I am
No one changes that,
not people I trust,
not people I do not know.
And not even the few I let know what I think.
I am not anything listed in the poem below.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I am
I am ugly,
I am fat,
I am worthless,
I am what you make me feel.
I am hurt,
you don't care.
I am stupid
and not worth the time.
You were wrong about me,
you will never make me feel that way again.
I shut the door,
this time forever.
Goodbye
you know who you are.
And now I'm gone.
I am fat,
I am worthless,
I am what you make me feel.
I am hurt,
you don't care.
I am stupid
and not worth the time.
You were wrong about me,
you will never make me feel that way again.
I shut the door,
this time forever.
Goodbye
you know who you are.
And now I'm gone.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Never let your heart get in the way
Goodbye
I've decided to end this blog...
At least for now.
I'm walking away
Letting it all go
And I'd rather keep my thoughts to myself
Sorry to those who have followed this
With all my love Black Rose
I've decided to end this blog...
At least for now.
I'm walking away
Letting it all go
And I'd rather keep my thoughts to myself
Sorry to those who have followed this
With all my love Black Rose
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The moment
The moment you walk through those middle school doors you'll never be the same. The first time you ever get back stabbed, the first time you lose a friend and then comes my personal favourite (NOT) the first time you ever realize you're friends aren't really you're true friends.
So lets walk through this one step at a time. Hell starts around age 12, that's about the time you realize you are your own person and have to start making a stand for who you are. Well this lovely transaction has an effet on everything in your life; whom your friends are, what you do and how you think. But hey that life, right?? Well sometimes life can really suck.
So lets walk through this one step at a time. Hell starts around age 12, that's about the time you realize you are your own person and have to start making a stand for who you are. Well this lovely transaction has an effet on everything in your life; whom your friends are, what you do and how you think. But hey that life, right?? Well sometimes life can really suck.
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